Maxim is now afraid to rank women based solely on looks but not me. I'm not afraid to tell women they're beautiful and I'm especially not afraid to tell a woman that she is more beautiful than another woman.
When I first began these hot 100 rankings, I compared each woman to food but then I thought otherwise because I didn't want to do wrong by the cheesy gordita crunch.
I then started to remove any woman on the list that pissed me off in some capacity but then the list was only 7 women I had never heard of.
In the end I was able to put biASS aside and rank the 100 hottest women in the world based solely on how mean they would be when rejecting my advancements.
As you can guess, upstanding citizen and good-natured human Amber Heard did not make the list.
#100 - Margot Robbie
I have the sneaking suspicion that no one has ever claimed Margot Robbie to be ugly. I am also not making that claim but I am humbling her by telling her she's not the best. Not even the 74th best. Do I believe this? No. But someone has to take beautiful people down a notch.
#99 - Alex Morgan
The days of her getting kicked out of Epcot are over but the spirit of disorderly conduct will always be in her heart.
#98 - Elizabeth Olsen
The Olsen sister that was promised. My youthful fantasy fulfilled.
#97 - Alexandra Daddario
True Detective season 1, episode 2. You're welcome.
#96 - Scarlett Johansson
She has all-time great NBA players demanding for her bath water. That's power. But there's a chance she currently has short hair (GASP). If I'm wrong which is normally the case, then move her up 95 spots.
#95 - Anya Taylor-Joy
Anya Taylor-Joy's appearance is like the taste of exotic meat. I can't describe it but I know I love it.
Shit I said I wasn't going to compare women to food. Welp.
#94 - Kayla Simmons
If Jack had fallen in love with Kayla instead of Rose on the Titanic then Jack would have survived because he would have been floating in the Atlantic for days.
#93 - Fake Khloe Kardashian
Clearly not Khloe Kardashian but whoever she is took a great selfie and got paid for it by the real Khloe Kardashian.
#92 - Kay Adams
In the words of Benny Rodriguez, "She knows exactly what she's doing."
#91 - Sierra Skye
A wise man (my college roommate) once said, "The hips. The ass." That's all that needs to be said sometimes.
#90 - Olivia Culpo
Somewhere in a dark corner Danny Amendola is crying.
#89 - Megan Moroney
The rate that Nashville keeps churning out these hot blonde country stars is remarkable.
#88 - Zendaya
People tell me Zendaya is hot but every time I see her on TV, she is a strung-out high school drug addict. And yes, I have seen Spiderman: Homecoming. Point still stands.
#87 - Anllela Sangra
You could sand a Bell Canyon wood dining table with those abs.
#86 - Megan Fox
Blue moon is my favorite ice cream. Would I still eat a cone of blue moon if a thousand guys lick the ice cream before I do?
Yes.
But that cold sore is going to be a real nuisance.
#85 - Zoey Deutch
Her mom tried to fuck a duck. People forget that.
#84 - Madelyn Cline
Up until 2 weeks ago I thought Outer Banks was a reality TV show like Vanderpump Rules. Madelyn then gets an automatic bump for being a real actress.
#83 - Dakota Johnson
Senior year of college our cable TV came with HBO and every night in 2016 around 1:00 A.M. HBO played the movie Fifty Shades of Grey. By the time I got back home from the bars I would always stumble upon the first sex scene followed by Anastasia Steele making breakfast to "Beast of Burden." Anywho I have seen Dakota Johnson's nipples more than my own.
#82 - Nicole Scherzinger
I'm always going to stickwither.
#81 - Brittany Snow
I have always found Brittany Snow hot but her taking vigorous back shots from a cartoonishly large Kid Cudi cock in X was enough for a three-year minimum stint in the top 100.
#80 - Madison Beer
The masses were up in arms when I ranked Madison Beer this low but I always defer to the following rule: "What have you done for me lately?" Attend Coachella? Wow. How original.
#79 - Olivia Ponton
What have you done for me lately? Attend Coachella but with a new nose ring? Now that's how you do it. Olivia's stock is Amazon 2011 levels right now. It's going to skyrocket any day.
#78 - Eiza Gonzalez
Dating Ben Simmons boosts her ranking significantly as it gives us guys who can't shoot a basketball hope.
#77 - Rachel Cook
Much better with hair IMO.
#76 - Bru Luccas
If I had just put 100 Brazilian women on this list no one would have bat an eye.
#75 - Tayshia Adams
You're telling me she was the Bachelorette and not one contestant committed murder for her on the show?
#74 - Gal Gadot
It's not talked about enough how insane the Imagine COVID video was... That would be like me thinking I could solve the Israeli-Palestine conflict by making a dish of pancit for every home in the West Bank.
#73 - Olivia Munn
Hall of fame sexter. Permanent spot in the top 100. Chris, you dog.
#72 - Irina Shayk
Hot enough to date Leo. Not hot enough to avoid a verbal thrashing from Bradley Cooper at Wimbledon.
#71 - Mikaela Shiffrin
Curious as to what she will do once she breaks all of the alpine skiing records. As someone who broke the Guinness World Record for most Mexican corn consumed in 24 hours I can relate to the struggle in finding the meaning of life after being at the mountain top.
#70 - Daisy Keech
She can do a whole lot better than the guy who took 9th place on the 36th season of Survivor.
#69 - Olivia Rodrigo
*Repeatedly checks to make certain she is at least 18*
#68 - That One Taylor Swift Photo
I don't think Taylor Swift is hot, but I do when I see this photo of her in Vogue.
#67 - Gigi Hadid
I wasn't too familiar with Gigi before this Coke commercial, and I have got to say... I think she might be the best actress in the world. For a 20 something social media influencer to be hanging out with her friends and not be on her phone. Now that's acting.
#66 - Alexis Ren
While many agree with the notion that all these social media whores all look the same... to that I say how many of these social media whores that all look the same get a spot on Dancing With the Stars?! Huh?...... HUH?!!!
Oh, they all do. Whoops.
#65 - Kourtney Kellar
People often say the best job in the world is a backup quarterback in the NFL, but I disagree. For me it's a hot chick that settles down with an ugly white backup center in the NBA making $8 million a year. Ashley Brewer, you are in the on-deck circle. You just got to fuck Frank Kaminsky until the next rankings come out.
#64 - Simone Ashley
Now I didn't watch Bridgerton season 2, but I assume she was properly and elegantly dicked down. I do have a Bridgerton take though. It stinks. I was told by numerous women that the show was "practically a porno" but as someone who has occasionally dabbled in adult entertainment, I can confirm that Bridgerton is not a porno. It's a chick show with 2 sex scenes in 10 hours.
#63 - Cindy Mello
She would be top 10 if she ate half a cheeseburger.
#62 - Corinna Kopf
I for one reward whores.
#61 - Yanet Garcia
100% chance of pre-cum in the next hour. Severe lotion handling in effect.
#60 - Lindsay Brewer
Not a commercial actor for Go Daddy. An actual semi-professional racing driver that moonlights as a Saudi prince toilet on the weekends.
#59 - Lili Reinhart
I used to subscribe to the idea of not shitting where you eat until I tried lobster rolls in the shower.
#58 - Kelly Gale
The classic story of a model discovered in a coffee shop. Reminds me of the time a priest discovered me on a playground.
#57 - Antonela Roccuzzo
If she's good enough for the goat Leo Messi to get down one knee, then she's good enough to make an arbitrary list created by a guy who think Paddington 2 is the best movie ever made.
#56 - Keira Knightley
To me, you are perfect.
#55 - Camila Giorgi
Recently came out and said she has zero friends on the WTA tour and uhhhhh I can see why... Women be not supporting each other.
#54 - Kate Middleton
In the States it's a crime to stalk a woman but in the UK you're given the title of Royal Watcher.
#53 - Charly Jordan
I genuinely don't know who this person is but she has the best odds in Vegas to be Leonardo DiCaprio's next girlfriend.
#52 - Victoria Justice
#51 - Mathilde & Pauline Tantot
Twins, Basil!
#50 - Brie Larson
One of the collaborators for the Time's Up movement. I have to tread carefully here. Definitely can't say "Great tits, Brie" or anything like that. Definitely not.
#49 - Annabelle Wallis
"Everyone's a whore, Grace. We just sell different parts of ourselves."
#48 - CarynAI
Before reading the article I was sold on AI girlfriends. A girlfriend without having to do any of the tedious work. Sign me up. But then I read the article and the AI girlfriend at the moment is essentally just another therapist. Pay to talk to someone? Sign me out. But eventually this AI will turn sexual (IT ALWAYS DOES) and I am banking on said turn occurring with this high ranking.
P.S. Remember in Blade Runner 2049 when Ryan Gosling had an AI girlfriend (Ana de Armas) but the only way to have sex with the AI girlfriend was through holograms on top of a real life hooker? But then the real life hooker was drop dead gorgeous? Like why pick a pretty hooker? You're not looking at the hooker. You're looking at the hologram of your drop dead gorgeous AI girlfriend. That beautiful hooker has to be expensive as it is. Now you're adding in the hologram stipulation? Might as well just pay a Packard Avenue bar hooker on the cheap.
And on what planet is Ryan Gosling struggling to get laid?!!! Blade Runner 2049 though. Still 5 stars.
#47 - Breckie Hill
Beefing with Olivia Dunne but unfortunately it is not roast beef.
#46 - Ana Markovic
Alex Morgan, count your days.
#45 - Kate Abdo
Kate has done the impossible which is to get me to watch the 30 minute pregame show before soccer matches.
#44 - Emily Elizabeth
She has Marcus Gunn Syndrome which causes you to wink anytime you move your jaw. I shit you not.
#43 - Hilary Duff
So there is life after child acting. Put down the crack pipe Demi Lovato!
#42 - Florence Pugh
Did you know that only 2% of the world's population has naturally green eyes?
Oh, you're not looking at her eyes.
#41 - Blake Lively
Popping out 4 kids and still looking like that is more impressive than getting a fifth division English soccer team promoted. And thus begins the run on wide receivers MILFS!
#40 - Michelle Pfeiffer
From just the photo alone her eyes are telling me to fuck off and to stop hitting on her.
#39 - Minka Kelly
Minka Kelly is 42?! You couldn't tell by looking at her. Texas forever.
#38 - Adrianne Palicki
Speaking of Friday Night Lights, I'm giving Tyra her flowers. Landry literally killed a man for her and she still wouldn't even suck his dick. All hail the Queen of East Dillon!
#37 - Jennifer Connelly
Tom Cruise wouldn't fuck her in Top Gun: Maverick but that's not a Jennifer Connelly problem.
#36 - Salma Hayek
They've gotten bigger.
#35 - Sofia Vergara
Whatever I said for Salma Hayek applies here.
#34 - Jennifer Lopez
In college there’s this silly phrase that gets circulated around social media that you can only have two of three things: sleep, social life, good grades. Pick 2, drop 1. The classic 2 of 3 dilemma. For celebrities, the 2 of 3 dilemma is beauty, success, being a good parent. Jennifer Lopez is successful and beautiful.
#33 - Torrie Wilson
By Gawd! Tap out Batista.
#32 - Kate Beckinsale
Looks to be recovering well from all the attacks by Pete Davidson's tongue.
#31 - Jessica Alba
Jessica Alba says not sleeping on her side has helped her the most when asked how she has been able to look so youthful all these years. If that's the case I'm self-admitting myself to the nuthouse ASAP, strapping myself into bed every night and coming out 3 years later looking like Spy Kids 3 Elijah Wood.
#30 - Ann Margret
With Martha Stewart getting the call up to the majors (SI swimsuit edition), I thought it wouldn't be right unless I had the actual hottest 80+ year still alive in the rankings. Eat your heart out, Conrad Birdie.
#29 - Kara Del Toro
I always wondered why social media influencers put philanthropists in their bios? Whose lives are they changing? Does giving little boys in Estonia masturbation material qualify Kara for a Noble Peace Prize?
#28 - Mimi Perkins
#27 - Madi Edwards
Don't go small. Go Australia.
#26 - Helen Owen
The type of girl to take home her to your mother. Too bad she costs $25k a day.
#25 - Julianne Hough
Still got that post divorce glow.
#24 - Anna Louie Austin
I was told she has a hole in her jeans but I don't see it.
#23 - Elena Rybakina
My type on paper is a blonde Russian athlete with a strict regimen.
#22 - Sydney Sweeney
Her grandparents stated that Sydney has the best tits in Hollywood which is not wrong but makes for an awkward Mother's Day brunch.
#21 - Mikayla Demaiter
Her putting professional goalie on her Instagram bio is like me putting 6'5" on dating profiles. Her career save percentage of .909% is highly impressive and I have to imagine that number would have been closer to .1000% if she played in a men's league wearing the goalie uniform above.
#20 - Shakira
I would kill a wild boar for her. At minimum.
#19 - Rachel Stuhlmann
Rachel is trying to be the Paige Spiranac of the tennis world and I for one support her new endeavor.
#18 - Ester Exposito
¡Coño, que buena esta!
I always wondered if there was anything that a guy like me and a gal like Hannah would ever have in common and I'm struggling to come up with anything. Maybe we both like white chocolate mochas from Starbucks? Only time will tell.
#17 - Elizabeth Turner
You best start believing in sleazy blogs Miss Turner. You're in one.
#16 - Paulina Gretzky
More cocaine has been snorted off her rack than Stephen King's typewriter.
#15 - Hailee Steinfeld
No notes.
#14 - Sommer Ray
I read an article some years ago that said Steph Curry shoots 500 free throws a day and I have to imagine Sommer Ray follows the same practice method with squats.
#13 - Olya Abramovich
My other type on paper is Russian blonde made in a laboratory.
#12 - Isabel May
I can't believe Young Sheldon didn't smash. What a nerd.
#11 - Kendall Jenner
Get you somebody that loves losing more than Devin Booker.
#10 - Jodie Comer
According to a scientific calculation actress Jodie Comer is the most beautiful person in the world. Who am I to tell the analytical nerds they're wrong? Going by the percentages above I'd say she's got a career 82 WAR.
#9 - Alica Schmidt
A couple years ago Borussia Dortmund hired her as fitness coach which is one way to spell hooker in the company's annual report.
#8 - Lily James
Mamma mia! Here we go again.
#7 - Sydney Smith
The first Livvy Dunne clone.
#6 - Olivia Dunne
Henry Ford. Steve Jobs. Olivia Dunne. Great American pioneers.
#5 - Ana de Armas
A perfect 10 in every movie she is in even the ones where she's not even attempting to be hot like in Knives Out.
#4 - Hannah Palmer
#3 - Diletta Leotta
Currently dating the world's worst goalkeeper. Quite the charitable lass.
#2 - Paige Spiranac
Don't need to leave any milk out for this Santa.
#1 - Vanessa Hudgens
Stick to the status quo. Vanessa Hudgens remains the baddest. No need to tinker.
Stay tuned for next week when I try to guess the weight of all 4 March sisters!
